Author Archives: julie

Christmas Blessings

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After my last blog bemoaning my agony at Christmas because of estranged family relationships, I feel honour-bound to counteract it in part.  I am taking the act of counting my blessings more seriously to turn the negative aspects of my Christmas expectations into positivity, by simply saying that through an act of kindness shown to me by a friend I have my mojo back.  Having someone rooting my corner at Christmas makes all the difference.  And the best thing is this friend isn’t just for Christmas.  Having a friend in my life who is there when I’m down and there when I’m not down is the one constant that I can depend on.

You’re probably thinking I’m talking about Jesus and, in one way, I am.  This type of friend is a great example of how a Christian should behave.  She imitates the love of Jesus through her compassion, empathy, her kind and caring ways, and her willingness to help with anything, no matter what, without judgement of me or others.  I think we can all learn something worthwhile from that kind of behaviour.

Nelson Mandela is one of the greatest examples of how to show the love of Jesus Christ to others.  In one of his many speeches he said:  “(we are) born to make manifest the glory of God within us because by doing so we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” (based on an idea from ‘A Return to Love: Reflection on the Principles of A Course in Miracles’ by Marianne Williamson 1992).

I’m enjoying reading a children’s book at the moment by Jostein Gaarder called The Christmas Mystery that manages to capture the history of Christianity in simple terms.  It’s about a magic Advent calendar that tells how the story of Jesus was spread throughout the world.

A young boy called Jochaim tells the story in the present day, through the writings contained behind each day’s window of the old calendar.  His story is about a young girl called Elisabet who travels back in time to Bethlehem and the birth of Jesus.  The picture in each window portrays a character who joins the pilgrimage through the writings that day.  Every day, after each window is opened and the story progresses, Jochaim discovers the whole picture has changed – as he learns more about the mysterious stranger who made the calendar and of a young girl who went missing on Christmas Eve 40 years ago.

It’s an interesting narrative technique and the story contains many thought-provoking analogies to the Bible’s relevance in today’s real-life terms.  I am discovering some amazing insights into my own faith that I never thought about before.   The book has taken me on a personal Advent journey of rediscovery…  through the eyes of my child-self.   An added bonus is that the Advent calendar’s images bring back a happy childhood memory for me that I’d almost forgotten about. Clever stuff eh? There is so much in it to discover.  (If you know me personally and want to borrow my copy after the last window’s been opened – 24th December – please let me know via a comment on this post.)

A taster example: the wording at the onset of Day 17’s window… “many things have been done in the name of Jesus that Heaven is not very happy about…” (sound familiar?).  And the final paragraph ends that day’s adventure with Joachim saying to his parents:  “A Good Samaritan should have come to help them. Jesus wanted to teach people to help one another when any of them needed it.  For peace is the message of Christmas.”

It was this message that reminded me of the friend I spoke about earlier and encouraged me to count my blessings rather than dwell on things in my life that I (and Heaven) am not very happy about.  I aim to be more like my friend to others by being an imitation of Jesus through my actions… and thoughts too – because it’s thoughts that can drag us down sometimes and Satan really knows which buttons to push to test our faith once we’re down there.

To say I’ve been inspired by things I’ve come into contact with since my last blog is an understatement when I compare where I am now with where I was then.  I’m really focussed on Jesus and prepared for Christmas.  I’ve even bought a Christmas tree!

Just one thing remains for me to say and that is:  May you all have the kind of Christmas you’re hoping for.

Come Lord Jesus, come. 

The world is waiting for a love like yours.

 

Are you ready for Christmas yet?

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We’re barely into December and already I keep being asked if I’m ‘ready for Christmas?’  I simply smile and, instead of saying what’s really on my mind, respond in the usual way with ‘oh I expect I’ll get caught up in the atmosphere soon enough.’  It’s because I don’t want to put a dampener on anyone’s Christmas preparations that I don’t come right out with it and say Christmas can make people miserable.

There are a lot of lonely people in the world and it is more common than we think to feel like an outsider looking in at Christmas – sometimes within your own family.  It’s probably because the commercial aspect of Christmas highlights the family unit as paramount at this time of year.  As a friend of mine once said, ‘For some, Christmas is a painful time of looking round the family table and being aware of absences, of looking back and remembering happier times.’ (Rev. Geoff Bowell, Scarborough Christian Fellowship).  These absences are not always due to death of loved ones either. They can be attributed to other loss, such as unemployment, homelessness, family estrangement – sometimes of many years duration.  The latter of these is true for me.

I make no apology for baring my soul here because, at the same time, I am hopeful for a solution.  My words are the silent prayers of my heart.  A personal prayer that maybe this year my brother will respond to the Christmas card I send him – thus bringing an end to years of bitter separation.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the build up to Christmas. The buzz of shoppers, carols in the town centre, reindeer parading around Alma Square, buskers rocking round the Christmas trees spreading merriment.  I love the church activities, being part of a church family, meditating the Advent labyrinth, and waiting… for the comfort and joy that celebrating Christ’s birth means.  I hope that one Christmas Day I’ll awake to choirs of angels, surrounded in bright light, singing a chorus in celebration of the second coming of Christ.

Yet I’m also waiting in hope for my prayer to be answered…

I accept God’s love through the gift of His Son, Jesus Christ, and believe that healing through forgiveness of wrongs (past and present) is a real possibility… for all. I rely on this truth to ensure that Christmas for me is a time to appreciate what I have and not dwell too much on what I don’t have.  I remain grateful for unexpected moments of joy and small acts of kindness that I encounter, which encourages a choir of angels to sing in my heart every day of the year.

I’d like to invite you to pause between your preparations during the Christmas season – when we are often so busy that, when we do find time to talk to God, as soon as we say ‘Amen’ we rush off to the next thing and don’t give God the chance to respond.  Yet, in the smallest gap, God is waiting.  He longs for us to hear His voice in that space.

At the end of this prayer there is no ‘Amen’.  Simply sit in silence and talk to God from your heart… and listen for his voice in the stillness.

Waiting for God

Dear God,

help me to find a silent space.

I say ‘amen’.  Then I think again,
and instead of rushing away
to fill my day with this and that,
I stop. I sit. I wait. I stay
to listen to what you have to say
in-between the tick and tock
of my life’s busy, noisy clock,
and your voice fills the silent space.

Dear God,

help me to be still in the silent space.

I don’t say ‘amen’. I start again
because I don’t want to rush away
to fill my day with this and that.
I want to stop. To sit. To wait. To stay
and listen to what you have to say
in-between the tick and tock
of my life’s busy, noisy clock,
as your voice fills my silent space.

Dear God, help me to listen in the silent space.

Dear God, help me to hear you in sacred silent spaces.

………………………………………………………………………………..

(PS.  I have to ask… are you ready for Christmas yet?)

 Loneliness

All text © Julie M. Fairweather 2012 – unless otherwise stated


Big Issue

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Some personal thoughts on forgiveness…

 It’s the toughest thing for humans to put into practice.

What if a person had only asked God for forgiveness at the point of their death?  Do you think they will be repenting of their sins after death, one by one, as the feathers are plucked out of their tar?

And what if God asked us – right here, right now – to count up all the feathers in our own tar?  Do you think it would take us an eternity?

 Chosen by Christ               

When You said that you chose me, I knew that it was true.  For only You could have met me here – in this place.  This place where You look upon me and see me as I am, warts and all.  Yet still You write my name in the palm of Your hand, still You choose me.

And You smile at me in this place, here and now, where I am so overwhelmed by Your mercy that all I can do is kneel before Your throne of grace, until my face touches the ground.

I pray and I wait in the sacred silence of Your unconditional embrace, that invites me to remain in Your love.  I know that when it is time You will prepare the way for me.  The way You planned for me before I was born.

(adapted from a published prayer by JMF 2012)

God, who shows you his kindness and who has called you through Christ Jesus to his eternal glory, will restore you, strengthen you, make you strong, and support you as you suffer for a little while (1 Peter 5 v 10.)   

(© 1995 God’s Word to the Nations)

 And finally…

Imagine God holding a set of scales.  One side is full of unconditional love and the other, unconditional forgiveness.  Both weigh the same and are balanced as separate things.  Bringing them together as a whole is what God means about forgiveness.  It is not just used as a measure for His forgiveness and unconditional love for us; it is also about us forgiving others, others forgiving us and us forgiving ourselves too.

Forgiveness

It’s the toughest thing for humans to put into practice.


All text © Julie M. Fairweather 2012 – unless otherwise stated

Talking outside the box

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When I was 10 years old I became vulnerable prey to a paedophile.  These people know what they are doing.  My parents had separated a few months earlier and I was missing my dad.  The paedophile tried to take my dad’s place by ‘caring about me.’  The only ‘person’ I could talk to about what was happening to me was my teddy bear, Big Ted.  I couldn’t tell my mum, step-father or my younger siblings.  And I can never, never tell about any of the details – to anyone.  Big Ted took the brunt of my shame during that time.  When we moved away from the area a few years later I decided to hide Big Ted away in a box with a tight-fitting lid.  He knew too much.

We moved house many times and Big Ted went missing along the way.  I’ve spent my life looking for him… waiting for him to re-appear.  I allowed my silence to suffocate me – allowed the memory of the paedophile to control my life.  I thought it would go on forever. Then 10 years ago I ‘came out’.  It finally burst from the core of me and I spilled out my 40-year-old secret.  I went through 2 years of intensive integrated psychotherapy to deal with the layers and repercussions.  I’d had nowhere to go with it before then.  I felt free.

Ten years on, everyone’s talking about paedophiles.  The JS explosion onto our screens and the media digging up his victims one by one has brought with it those familiar feelings of guilt and shame.  They’ve resurfaced gradually and my memories have flooded back. I’ve begun to dislike myself again.  When the JS case became a criminal investigation I knew I would have to deal with it, yet I didn’t think I needed the intense therapy I’d experienced 10 years ago.

A week ago, I was so desperate to talk to someone who would understand that I walked into the offices of HOPE.  Tears flowed as I spoke to someone, which was a release in itself, though it confirmed that my own issues hadn’t gone away as I’d thought.  It is crushingly painful looking at the past with adult responses because of the realisation of how much the adult self needs healing as well as the child self.  My self-esteem, self-worth and confidence have taken a battering.  I need to let go and learn to love myself all over again.

I’m looking for spiritual reassurance more than anything else, and, because I am a Christian, there’s the whole issue of love and forgiveness to deal with too.  It’s a toughie. The first step will be hard when that step presents itself.

I have great empathy for the victims of JS.  Whilst they may be due compensation from his estate (or whatever) it won’t make up for their suffering.  Nothing will.  And how can victims even contemplate forgiveness when no-one has actually faced them and said, ‘I’m sorry, what I did was wrong?’

The only positive thing about the mess that has become JS is that it has got everyone talking about the issue, instead of hiding it away in a box with a tight-fitting lid.  It has also encouraged victims (even those unrelated to the case, like myself) to come forward and get the help they deserve, instead of rifling around in a cupboard for their teddy bear.

All Text Copyright © Julie M. Fairweather, 2012.

 

Is that the time already?

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Time’s whizzing by and I’m dizzy trying to keep up with everything – including this blog.  I’ve not even told my friends about my site yet and a month’s gone by already.  Taking too much on does that to a person.  In my day job I work as an administrator for a Methodist Circuit, and I’m currently collating info for the next preaching plan which covers December 2012 to February 2013.  NEXT YEAR ALREADY!  Working and thinking in advance like this feels like I’ve already lived the time before it actually arrives.  Christmas will be over and done with by the time it gets here.

Two weeks back I stood in a queue waiting for the number 13 bus to take me to where I thought I wanted to go.  There were 13 people in front of me and 13 people behind me.  Queues are orderly and a natural state of things.  It sometimes helps if you have a defined surname in the order of things as it determines where you stand.  I had a surname beginning with S when I was very young so was used to waiting in queues.  Then I was adopted and became an L which was in-between waiting and attaining.  Now that I’m married to an F you’d think I had it made.  But when the bus arrived it said NOT IN SERVICE.  The driver didn’t know where he had come from or where he was going.

I love writing because of its possibilities.  As a writer, I can reunite and reconcile my family as characters in my fiction and enable a happy conclusion to our lives.  But sometimes when I write I hate it – especially when a memory pops in my head and I’m not expecting it.  It’s like a small regret piercing my heart.  A realization that a wrong decision has set someone up for an ending no-one wants.

We are what we think we are.  I think it was Margaret Thatcher who said that once.  She said that our thoughts become words that become actions.  Our actions become habits.  Habits form our character.  I think that’s why she reached that conclusion of the statement: we are what we think we are.  I thought about this when I pulled all the flowers out of a garden in a story I was writing last week.  It was to stop my father picking them for his secret love. Then I thought that at the end of his life a big sin could count against him in the same way as a small sin because the judgement will probably be the same.  A little white lie is still a lie when all’s said and done.

It must be true then.

 All Text Copyright © Julie M. Fairweather, 2012.

My First Official Blog Post

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I decided to create a website because it’s time I started blogging to an audience as well as writing my thoughts in beautiful notebooks.

So here it is then, my first ever online blog post.

I am prepared for any reader’s onslaught of disgust if they do not like what I write (I sometimes use a pseudonym so it’s all hers) and I’m prepared equally well for any reader’s onslaught of admiration if they do (I sometimes write as myself so it’s all mine).

My pseudonym writes pieces that would startle anyone who knows me (or thinks they do) if they even suspected I had thoughts along the lines of what I’ve written.  The name I use is a magical mixture of my sister’s Christian names.  Perhaps I should warn her in case she picks something up to read and sees her name all over it.  She may sue me; a sister could do that if she felt that way inclined.

And with that thought, I will announce here and now that anything I write (in any name) that is classed as creative fiction is indeed fictitious and even a slight resemblance to any persons living or dead is absolutely, utterly and undisputedly, a COINCIDENCE (unless otherwise stated).

I have put a sample piece of my work on here as a taster – for potential readers – before I suffer enough rejection to discover if writer’s block is a myth or not.

I feel inspired by the thought that my having a BA (Hons) in Creative Writing means I’ll never be too old.  Being a writer is ageless.  Priceless!

I must upload this blog instead of writing it to myself.   Make it real.  After all, it’s what I write about – real life.   Can you tell the difference between what is true and what is not?   I challenge you to try and figure it out.  Read from my collection in progress in the Writing Extracts section of this site if you feel like it or come back to it later(see addendum).  I’ll be pleased to hear from you if you like it and, if you don’t?  Well, just be gentle with me.  I’m really quite fragile underneath the bravado.

All Text Copyright © Julie M. Fairweather, 2012.

NB: A collection of short stories (where the previous reading extracts section is now housed) was published in 2013 – see publication page for details.